Bugged NerveGear Mechanics
by Mccheese
Summary: DarksydePhil plays SAO on his stream, getting him into a two year long stream/adventure, filled with comedy,revenge,betrayal and complaining.
1. Chapter 1

Today is November 6th, 2022. DSP (Darksydephil) has began a stream on the latest NerveGear game, Sword Art Online.  
"Alright, so today i'm gonna be playing Sword Art Online for the NerveGear... Okay?" Phil pauses for a second as he gets the helmet ready, " I was originally gonna stream the beta for this game, someone was handing in out at GameStop, put I got mugged by some kid." DSP puts on the helmet, "Alright, lets do this!, Link Start!", DSP turns it on, he instantly falls asleep and hits his head on the wall behind him.

After DSP creates his character (which is a shameless self insert of himself) he completely ignores the tutorial heading off to the first area. Phil fights a early game monster and loses "AH WHAT? C'MON! I HAD POTIONS WITH ME" DSP says as he points to the empty bottle icon on his screen. Phil respawns, as he respawns a notification video pops up on his video, Phil closes it as soon as it pops up, "They put ads in the game, wow dude." Phil continues to play the game slowly leveling up from the monsters he was killing, suddenly a flash of light appears. "huh? What the hell was that?" Phil shrugs and continues slaughtering monsters, afterwards Phil explores the area a little more and comes across another player. "Now hang on a second... didn't this game have PvP." Phil thinks to himself and slowly approaches the player, Phil was level 10 at the time and this player was level 1. "Hey! we need to get back to town! More monsters come out at night we need to-" the other player was instantly cut off by "Trying to trick me huh?" Phil said "I know how people are online! you'll just gonna kill me!" Phil shouted drawing out his sword, The other player looked confused, "Are you crazy!? Didn't you hear you hear that guy in the sky? He changed our appearances to our actual appearance!" Phil looks at player angrily "nice try, this is just how I look irl." "Stop! If you kill anyone you'll-" Phil swings his sword at the player, killing him in one blow. "Wow, that was easy!, Didn't even need chat for it either.." Phil said, being proud of himself. Suddenly Phil's crystal icon turns orange. "What? What the hell does this mean?, Stupid game, not explaining the basic shit." Phil put away his sword.

"Well that's enough for the stream today, Time for me to log off." Phil opens up the menu to discover the Log Off button won't work. "What?! The games fucking bugged! I can't quit!" Phil mashes the button at max speed, "I'M PRESSING BUTTONS WHAT THE FUCK DUDE, WOOOOWWWWWW." Phil stops after a minute of pressing the button. "Well I guess i'm stuck in this shitty ass game. May as well go back to town and see if anyone has a fix." Phil walks back to town, blissfully unaware of the adventurer he is about to start and the people he will meet along the way.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: DSP arrives back at town, as he takes a couple steps in, everyone stares at him as they notice he's killed another player. Phil looks around getting annoyed by everyone staring at him. "What? What's so fucking weird about me huh?" Phil angrily shouts at the crowd. "y-you're orange.. " someone in the crowd quietly says, "Oh, yeah that... Anyways anyone got a fix for the log off button?" Phil asks. "The fix for that is you need to get out!" someone in the crowd screams, "Get out of here!" more people in the crowd start the scream at him, "Murderer! Monster!" The crowd gets louder and louder. DSP looks at the crowd with a both a angry and confused expression. "Fine! I will get out, Screw you all!" Phil shouts, DSP runs out of the town holding his tears back...

"Alright... it's been a while since I've talked, it's currently December 15th and apparently the second boss has been defeated. " Phil says as he equips some potions. "I've done some grinding, I'm level 60 at the moment... just here... alone..." Phil looks down lost in thought. "I haven't really had anyone to talk to..people either attack me or run away..." Phil tears up for a bit "FUCKING STUPID CRYSTAL!" Phil punches a tree in anger. Suddenly monsters monsters spawn in front of Phil "OH SHIT!" Phil runs away as fast as he can.

Eventually Phil made it to level 80, he gave up leveling eventually though, and began living in a house he made in the forest out of sticks. He has killed a few more players though in "self defense", He took their items and stocked up on them. "Okay, guys... it's currently... uhhhh fuck man I dunno. it's been so long, stupid game doesn't even have a calculator." Phil says to his stream. "I don't even know anymore..." suddenly his small house is destroyed instantly by three guys in black outfits, one with a skeleton mask, one with a bag on his head and the other one with nothing covering his face.. "WHAT?! C'MON DUDE I WAS FUCKING LIVING HERE!" One of these people throw a knife at Phil, Phil falls over inflicted with a status effect. "WHAT PARALYSIS, FUCKING CHEAP DUDE. DUMB ASS GAME." both the unmasked man and the one bag on their head approach Phil as the one with a skeleton mask stays behind. "PoH i've only been in this mans house for about 10 seconds, and I already want to kill this man." The skeleton mask guy said annoyed "And I can tolerate most people." The skeleton guy shrugged. "Ah, but XaXa, you haven't seen his true potential!' The man said as he picked Phil up. "Potential?" Phil asked confused, "You've made a lot of people scared to even enter this area. That's quite an accomplishment!" The bag on head guy said excitedly "Wait, this man is the Forest Freak?" Skeleton mask guy man dude who is XaXa asked. "The forest freak?" Phil asked angrily, "I'll have you know I am not a freak! I am the King of Hate DSP!" Phil said trying to move his fingers to make gestures at XaXa. "Well Phil, how would you feel if we asked you to join my guild?' the man asked Phil. "Guild, huh? Well I mean sure, it's a lot better then this." Phil nodded his head agreeing to the offer. "Good, now lets take the time to know each other, and begin your initiation!" Phil and the three Laughing Coffin members walked out to the initiation location.

Phil,PoH,Johnny and XaXa arrive at a cliff looking down onto a path where players walk by. "Okay Phil, all you gotta do is wait for another player to come by and hit them with this Paralysis Knife, then kill them." PoH said handing five knives to Phil "You get five tries." Phil took the knives "Huh, seems simple enough." Phil said "Hey guys! someone is coming!" Johnny said, Johnny's role in this initiation was to watch for other players . another player walks down the path, "Alright Phil, this is your moment hit em and kill em." PoH said encouraging Phil "alright here we go." Phil throws the knife, the knife barely even makes it to the target."Fuck!" Phil screams, "It's okay Phil, everyone makes mistakes." PoH said trying to cheer Phil up. "He isn't gonna get it." XaXa said shaking his head. Phil misses his second attempt "AGHHHH" Phil made that noise, it was the sound of anger, "How was i supposed to know there was a tree branch there?" Phil said, "It's fine Phil you have three knives left." PoH said "You wanna know how I learned about masturbation at ten years old?" XaXa asked "By watching him do it on his stream." Third attempt Phil missed another player and the somehow ended up hitting himself. "Fuck dude!" Phil screamed "How- how do you even do that?" PoH asked. In the back XaXa and Johnny are talking about life and family issues, sorting their lives out if they ever leave SAO. Fourth atte- Phil throws the knife at nothing. PoH stares at Phil, "What? I thought the fog was a player." "alright Phil this is your last knife, make it count" PoH said Johnny runs back to the group "Some girl and her dragon is coming this way!" Johhny said "Alright, this should be easy.." Phil said. The girl and her dragon familiar go by, Phil takes aim and throws the knife... hitting the dragon instead instantly killing it. "Oh no,Pina! that's the fifth time this week!" The girl cries Phil stands up and looks back at PoH, "that counts right?" Phil asked PoH placed his hand on Phil's shoulder, "Phil... I like you, So I'm gona give you a 20 second head start to run away from me and my gang murdering you." XaXa's head turns away from the conversation with Johnny, "Murder? We actually killing this man?" XaXa asked "Ah C'mon man Phil said as he ran away.

To be continued


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:  
Phil runs a the way back to the forest,successfully hiding from Laughing Coffin. "Fucking PvP'rs all of em are scumbags." DSP says as he begins to rebuild his house mumbling to himself about MMO's. After that DSP went into hiding and killing low level players (Of course in self defense.) and making his way up the floors in the game, after a long/boring adventure of DSP killing monsters and other players for their items/equpment and leveling to level 95, he finally made it ... to the 74th floor. Phil walks into town, it's been a while since he's ever talked to anyone(He's barely even talked to chat at this point), and of course, he gets the same reaction. "Is that the Forest Freak?" someone asked "I've heard he has a higher kill then the entire of laughing coffin!" another person said. Phil sighs, "I killed those players in self defense! They attacked me first!" Phil shouts, everyone jumps back from his shouting. Phil walks away from the crowd and is blocked by three people around level 70, "Your not going anyone Forest Freak!" one of them shouts "Your reign of terror ends here!" another one says. "Look, I just wanna leave alright? So get out of my way!" Phil says. One of the players takes a swing at Phil, Phil gets hit taking out a small amount of health from his HP, "What?.. what level are you?" the player asks, "Uh... about level 95" Phil says and then attacks the player one shoting him with a purple dragon Greatsword. Phil laughs, "That was a fight? Huh, didn't even notice." Phil says as the other players back away in fear. "You should stop while you can." A voice says from the crowd, "who the hell said that?" Phil asks looking around the crowd. "I did." someone dressed in black walks out of the crowd holding the Elucidator in his hand. The crowd is in awe, "Is that The black swordsman?" many people asked and were ready to see a fight. Phil looked at Kirito confused, "Who the hell are yo- wait a second.." Phil looks at Kirito remembering his face. "YOUR THE ONE THAT STOLE MY BETA CODE!" Phil screamed at him, "Huh? Oh, your that guy I flew over to America to mug." A man right next to Kirito in red armor looks at Kirito confused, "You flew all the way to America just for a beta code?" he asked "Yeah." Kirito responded a girl in white in red armor also beside him looks at him confused "but why Kirito?" the girl asked, "I just really wanted that beta" Kirito said shrugging . " YOU SCRAWNY PIECE OF SHIT." Phil screams lunging towards Kirito in the crowd, Kirito runs towards Phil, they both clash swords and engage a street fight. "You picked the wrong time to mess with me!" Phil says as he prepares a sword art skill, Kirito knocks him out of the animation. Phil gets slammed to the ground " ah cmon dude I was fucking doing my skill!" Phil gets up at high speed hitting Kirito three times, taking out 50% of his HP, knocking Kirito straight into a wall, "Damn, I hoped I could save this til the boss to look cool in front of Asuna." Kirito said quickly opening up his menu. Phil runs towards Kirito with his greatsword ready "THIS IS FOR STEALING MY CODE! AGHHHH" Phil screams. Kirito stands back up and pulls out another sword "STARBURST STREAM!" Kirito unleashes a anal devastating, booty blasting, tushy pushy, ass beating attack on DSP knocking him down on the ground and his HP to 1. "WHAT THE FUCK? CMON DUDE, THATS FUCKING CHEATING." DSP says trying to get up. "You're going to jail forest freak." Kirito says as the crowd cheers for his victory. "What? I attacked those people in self defense!" Phil says, "You have no proof that I killed people!" The crowd stops cheering, and realizes that its true "we really, don't know do we?..." The girl in the red and white armor said, Kirito looks back at her "he had to have though Asuna, why else would he attack first?" Phil gets up and uses a potion. "Thats right!" for the first time in history Phil thinks of something smart to do and say...

"You all acted scared of me because of my crystal right? You all thought I was gonna kill you." Phil looks around the crowd, "It was in self defense, those people attacked first! If there is anyone to be scared of..." Phill points at Kirito. "It's him"  
The crowd looks at Phil in confusion. "what the hell are you talking about?" Asuna asks. "Think about it ladies and gentlemen.. This man here openly admitted to mugging me!" Phil burps halfway through his speech, "Excuse me... and besides me The King of Hate, he's the second strongest right? How'd he get there so fast?" The crowd begins to look at both Kirito and Phil worried. "And I'm not done there! Nononono, He's dual wielding in a game where you can only use one weapon! How'd he do that?" Phil asks the crowd, the crowd becomes louder now questioning the hero they praise. "He has fucking sword arts for it too! Isn't that a little strange?" Phil asks "Shut Up!" Kirito lunges at Phil attempting to hit him Phil gets hit knocking him on the ground, "This man speaks lies! I've helped people here and I've helped clear floors! Why would I be dangerous?!" Phil looks at Kirito while laying on the floor in pain "You attacked first... okay?" Kirito eyes widen, he realized that he attacked Phil out of anger. Kirito turns around, everyone's sword is drawn at him, Including Asuna and Klein's sword. "No... Asuna...Klein..." Kirito looks down at the floor dropping his weapons, "I...I...I can explain!" Kirito begins to cry like the fucking man child he is. Asuna begins to cry "How Kirito?... How did you do it then?" Asuna says with her face completely covered in tears. "I will!... alright just... just give me time to bring him!" Kirito runs away back down towards floor 74 on the search for a someone to help explain. The crowd looks at Phil "So uh.. is he our hero now?" Someone asks. The crowd all stares at Phil . "Uh.. You guys need someone else now right?" DSP said asking nervously. Klein walks towards Phil gives him a good look,"You can help us right?..." Klein asks"Uh... sure yeah! I can help!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:  
After Phil joins knights of the blood oath, they all begin their journey to the 75th floor dungeon. While walking to the boss, Asuna is still crying from Kirito getting BTFO'd. "Psst" Phil leans over to Klein, "Why she crying?" Phil asks Klein, "shes still pretty sad that her boyfriend was a massive faggot." Klein responds. "Ohhhh." Phil nods The group stop outside the boss door. Phil completely ignores the speech and he thinks to himself "Oh holy fuck is this Heathclit guy done yet? I just wanna beat the boss so I can beat myself off." Phil still thinks to himself. "Alright so that concludes today's motivation speech we all ready?" Heathcliff asks the guild "yaay, suffering." Someone in the crowd says,but he was completely drowned out by Asuna's crying. The doors to the boss open and everyone rushes into the arena to be greeted by The Skull Reaper. Phil gets a good look at the monster, and he shits his pants in both VR and IRL.

"Alright Klein, you go first buddy." Phil says nervously as he pushes Klein straight into the bosses view "Phil what the fuck ma-" Klein gets taken into THE BONE ZONE and fucking dies. "Wow dude wasn't expecting that." Phil says scared out of his mind. Phil continues with his new strategy, pushing other people into the Skull Reaper and attacking. After about pushing 14 people in Phil pushes Heathcliff in, however... "what the fuck?" Phil asks, Phil watches as Heathcliff takes zero damage. Heathcliff wrecks the boss one shoting it like it was some candy wrapper on the side of the street. Heathcliff turns around and looks at the crowd, "Well, uh... I wish you all haven't seen that." Heathcliff says. Suddenly Kirito bursts into the room "IT'S OKAY ASUNA I'VE DEALT WITH MY ANGST AND I'VE FOUND A REASON WHY I HAVE THESE SKILLS AND I FOUND A GIRL AND SHE CAN BE OUR CHILD AND FIX OUR RELAT- oh the boss is dead." Kirito says. Suddenly Everyone is frozen in place except DSP and Heathcliff. Heathcliff turns to Phil and Kirito, "Do you know how long I waited to have you two in the same room?" Heathcliff asks, "What? Are you gonna force us to do gay shit or something?" Phil asks. "No Phil, you are a very special player, a lot more then Kirito." Heathcliff begins to explain his motivations for this arc or something. "You see Kirito has the fastest reaction time, but you have something greater Phil... memes." Heathcliff says. "what are you talking about?" Kirito asks, "You see, I expected you to come out on top Kirito, to be the one that would strike me down. But then, I saw you Phil, the complete idiocy that you had, it had a certain energy.. an energy that I've been researching all my life." Heathcliff says "And that is?" Phil asks. "Memes" Heathcliff says "The DNA of the soul. I can use this power to officially become a god." Heathcliff walks towards Kirito "Phil... create a new meme... Kill this boy." Heathcliff asks "What? Dude don't!" Phil looks at Kirito "hmmmm.. you did take my code..." Phil thinks about the option he has "IT WAS JUST A CODE DUDE IT"S JUST A PRA-" Phil k beheads Kirito. "KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Asuna screams at the top of her lungs like wow dude there's like a million other dudes in the world.  
"Good..." Heathcliff says readying his sword, "fight me, Phil" Heathcliff rushes towards Phil, "OH SHIT DUDE" Phil puts up his greatsword to block Heathcliffs attack. Phil and Heathcliff clash swords trading hits, stabbing each other and swapping spit in a hell in a cell deathmatch until Phil lands the final blow. "It's over heathclit!" Phil shouts twisting his greatsword in Heathcliff. "heheheheheheheeh" Heathcliff laughs at Phil "No Phil... I can't die" Heathcliff pushes Phil off him and throws his sword at him. "The Legend Never Dies." Heathcliff begins to glow white as he groans in pain as his new transformation happens."  
Fog fills the room, as everyone watches in horror as Heathcliff transforms. "What the fuck are you." Phil asks. "heheheheheh." A deep voice laughs at Phil "Giants... Giants... Giants... become unstoppable..."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:  
* watch?v=-etFHSySu4g plays*

Phil comes face to face with legend. "Phil behold, the power of memes." Giant Dad explains. "48 Vitally,12 attunement,66 endurance, 16 strength, 10 dexterity." Giant dad looks at Phil who is now pissing his pants. Giant dad teleports behind Phil and back stabs him. "augghhh!" Phil screams, Giant Dad leans into Phil's ear and whispers "But don't tell anyone you leveled that up, you fuckin faggit." Giant Dad kicks Phil to the ground off his Chaos Zweihander. "It's time for you to retire streaming Phil." Giant Dad says, stabbing Phil on the floor with his Zweihander. "There's nothing... I can do dude." DSP says low on health, Giant Dad picks up Phil by the head and throws him across the arena. "Goodbye Phil." Giant Dad says as he walks away from his corpse. Phil slowly closes his eyes...

Suddenly Phil sees a figure in his afterlife. "Am I dead? Like is this the game over screen? Are you god?" Phil asks the shadowy figure. "No, it's just me." The figure reveals itself "Hideo Kojima." Phil eyes widened "Fucking Kojima!" Phil shouts "Did you make this shitty ass game?" Phil screams. "No Phil, I did not make this game." Kojima explains, "Are you just gonna give up? Are you gonna rage quit like you always do?" Kojima asks. "Yeah I am! There's nothing I could do!" Phil says looking depressed. "Phil, there is something you can do." Kojima walks towards Phil and hands him a Katana. "This is the HF Blade from MGR, With this you can defeat the legend Phil." Kojima explains. "Huh... Okay, but I'm fucking dead dude, How can I kill someone when I'm already dead?" Phil asks. Kojima laughs and says "Just channel your inner Kirito." Suddenly Phil repsawns in the middle of Giant Dad practicing his stand up comedy. "And whats the deal with RPG's where people can level up... but you can't heal." Giant Dad asks trying to set up a unfunny joke."Please Phil! Fucking kill him!" The players scream in pain. "It's over Giant Dad!" Phil says

"Well what is it Phil?" Giant Dad asks. Phil rushes at The Legend at high speed swinging his katana like a fucking retard. "Uhh, How am I supposed to use this?" Phil asks "You hit him with it you fucking retard!" Asuna screams at Phil. "Ohh... okay." Phil rushes at The Legend avoiding all his Black Flames. "Impossible! You can't escape my MLG strats!" Giant Dad screams. Phil land 10 hits on The legend, "Take this you ugly face motherfucker!" Phil shouts, slicing off the legends arm off. "Aughhhh! These memes are not enough!" I must increase them!" Giant Dad glows red and black, pushing Phil back. "NO! NO! I CAN'T CONTROL THIS! THIS LEVEL OF MEMERY IS OFF THE CHARTS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-" Giant Dad grows large arms out of his back, slowly transforming into something sinister then a Father of the Giants. Suddenly the area gets dark and all the players regain control, "what the?... where'd he go?

* watch?v=7KCDU7saggE plays*

A giant bootleg mario fused with Giant Dad appears, he was the size of a skyscraper.  
"GRAND LEGEND" The monster screams. "Oh fuck me dude!" Phil readies his katana and rushes at the monster to attack. "Lets end this meme game!" Asuna screams as she attacks the Monsters hand, "FLEENTSTONES?" The monster pounds his fist on the ground, creating "shockwaves" knocking down other players. Phil climbs the Dad's back as everyone distracts it. "It's over, I'm done with this!" Phil climbs to the the monsters head and jumps into the air and swoops down, slicing it's head off, "UGHUAHGUAHGUGHUUAHGUHUGHUAGHUGAHGAUHGUHGAUHGAUHGAUGAH" The monster screams as it spews out blood and memes, "PHIL..." Phil takes a step back after landing the final blow on the meme man. "THE LEGEND WILL NEVER DIE... AND NEITHER DOES THE BLACK SWORDSMAN... HE'LL BE BACK..." The monster explodes spewing it's meme juices everywhere.

Suddenly Phil wakes up out of his coma. "Ughhhh...what... what happened?" Phil says as he closes his eyes, he's cleared SAO...

2 months later.

Phil takes a seat on his couch "Alright... so uh, that was my Sword Art Online stream..." Phil takes a deep breath and looks around his room. "It was okay, a lot of the people I met were either weebs or assholes." Phil says "Alright so next time, if my pateron reaches 150 pledgers, I'll be playing ALfheim Online and Gun Gale Online." Phil burps and farts. "Woah, anyways, Yeah see you all next time and I hope you all enjoyed this stream."

DSP's stream is offline...


End file.
